“If you put a frog in boiling water, it will feel the heat immediately and hop to safety. If you put a frog in warm water and gradually turn the heat up, it will boil alive.”
So goes the analogy that is often applied to explain how people stay in toxic and controlling relationships. It’s a simple metaphor that helps survivors of those relationships come to terms with their experiences, but it also tells us something about the psychology of those who commit abuse. Controllers know that insulting behaviour would never get them beyond the first date, so instead, they employ a campaign of gaslighting, gently turning up the heat over weeks, months and years. By the time their target fully understands what is happening, the damage has been done.
But this level of manipulation is not confined to personal relationships. With the benefit of time and distance, it is easy to intellectualise how Hitler persuaded German voters that he was their political saviour. Like those who ask, “Why didn’t she just leave?” we are convinced that we would never have been duped by such obvious evil. And yet, Boris Johnson and his cabal are slowly but surely turning up the heat, while many Brits squint through the steam and claim it’s the best bath they’ve ever had. Why is this happening? Even for those of us who can see the danger, why aren’t we just leaving?
As with a first date, Boris Johnson was on his best behaviour when he wanted our votes. “Ooh, he’s so funny and charming, what a likeable chap! Look at his ruffled hair, the endearing scamp! Who couldn’t fall for that?” Now that this image is implanted, any behaviour that undermines it is excused, justified or plain ignored. In the event that we do start to ask difficult questions, a quick reaffirmation of their charm will disarm and distract us long enough for them to entrench yet more damaging behaviour.
One of the basic tools in the gaslighter’s ammunition is to lie. Constantly. A steady trickle of small lies, punctuated by absolute whoppers, so that we can never be sure of what is actually true. It’s a way of dismantling our baseline and also serves to test the water on how far they have shifted our tolerance levels. Combined with twisting or outright denial of things they have previously said and done, we rapidly become confused and start to question what we know to be real. The energy spent on continuously trying to maintain a sense of perspective soon becomes draining. After Dominic Cummings’ infamous eye test, we jumped up and down in anger for five minutes before crumpling in defeated exhaustion, bodies braced for the next shitstorm.
One of the basic tools in the gaslighter’s ammunition is to lie. Constantly.
Another huge disconnect to mess with our heads is the way in which actions will not match words. Honest people place value on the integrity of their words and, as we tend to judge others by our own standards, they struggle to comprehend that a person can unflinchingly lie to them, to Parliament, or even to the Monarch.
However, perhaps the greatest trick of the gaslighter is to divide and conquer by cutting their victim off from support networks and convincing them that everyone and everything else is the problem. Having pulled off one of the biggest cons in UK political history, three successive Governments sat back and watched as friends, families and its own nation states became increasingly alienated from one another, playing them off against each other while blowing platitudes about “healing the divide”. Of course it isn’t their fault; blame those unelected money-grabbers at the EU, they bellow, as the unelected House of Lords gets stuffed full of Tory cronies. Aware that this scapegoat now has a shelf life, they’ve returned to the other reliable target: refugees. In a post-ironic era, Priti Patel – the daughter of refugees – has pledged to save the nation from this latest “invasion”.
Meanwhile, the outside world wonders why British people have elected and continue to tolerate such a terrible Government. As our global reputation plummets, the attitudes and behaviour of our leaders reflect on us, whether or not we personally voted for them.
Amongst all this confusion, distraction and wearing down of resolve, we are deeply unhappy with the situation but feel resigned to our fate; the next general election is still four long years away and even without the threat of Covid, ending freedom of movement in 27 other countries is going to cut off potential escape routes for many. However, the boiling frog analogy may yet offer us hope: it’s a complete and utter myth. Rather than complacently dying, the frog would eventually become so uncomfortable that it would get out of the water.
At this point, it’s difficult to say how many more degrees we have to go before the heat gets unbearable. But it’s never too late to stand up to abuse and live the life you deserve.
PhD Ponderings 